Isn't It Just Harmless Flirting?

Nope. Just nope.

The catcaller who says “hey beautiful,” the guy at the bar who won’t stop crowding you, or the boy who snaps your bra strap are all homing in on gender, employing power and stereotypes that chip away at girls’ sense of safety and self-esteem.

Many of us grew up believing this was flirting or at least a normal
part of girlhood and something girls just had to deal with in their
lives. It has taken years for our culture to realize it’s not normal or
acceptable, and it’s certainly not flirting.

Flirting is welcome attention It goes both ways, and both people enjoy it. We all want our desirability affirmed and flirting can do that. That’s especially true for teenagers whose sexuality is just beginning to bloom. And maybe in particular for teen girls who have come to understand their desirability is counted as their single most important quality. Flirting can be a great thing.

Sexual harassment, on the other hand, makes you feel icky, embarrassed, angry, helpless and/or hopeless. If you’ve asked the person to stop, or you’re not in a position to do so because you worry about the consequences (a bad grade, being alienated by kids at school, getting fired), and they continue, then it’s harassment. And it’s illegal.

Despite the major advance in laws against sexual harassment, women are still not taken seriously and are frequently told they are too sensitive, that they lack a sense of humor, or are acting like the “PC Police”.

Sowing seeds of doubt by manipulating someone’s sense of reality is called gaslighting. When we shine a light on a particularly troubling social phenomenon, we are often gaslighted. Girls and women who complain about being harassed are made to think their feelings and concerns are petty, not legitimate, all in their heads, or their fault. This is crazy-making. Teach your kids that their gut feelings are important and, in some cases, life-saving.

Catcalling: Why are compliments not always compliments?

Smile baby! You’re hot! Marry me beautiful! While these words, often from perfect strangers, may sound like compliments, they rarely feel like it. Girls who hear these commands from boys or men as they walk down the street often find they freeze momentarily, and try to pretend they didn’t hear. Being commanded to do something is a power play and the object is to dominate. (I’m almost positive no woman has ever turned around and said “cool, I’ll go home with you now,” yet men continue to catcall).

Girls can't know the intentions of these words and creepy stares so, instinctually, many girls feel scared. In addition to being scary, it is also insulting because commenting on someone’s body, objectifies them. As former First Lady Michele Obama put it, such comments made her feel as if “my body were their property, as if I were a object to be commented on instead of a full human being with thoughts and feelings of my own”.

Compliments and endearing names like sweetie and baby are often followed by “you fuckin’ bitch” or “you know you want it” if you don’t respond.

Actionables

So how should we (or our daughters) respond to catcalls? There’s no one right way. It depends on your personality and your level of safety at the time of the occurrence, but this article, How To Safely Respond To Catcalling, Because It’s A Major Problem expounds on these approaches you can take to your kids:

Respond Firmly
Make It Weird
Go Viral
Be Blunt
Fake A Phone Call
Say “Thanks”
Say “What?”
Show Compassion
Ignore It