Gender

It’s always easy to describe as happy, the situation in which one wishes to place others
– Simone de Beauvoir

Children are usually told there are two gender identities to pick from and that their sex determines which one they should pick: boy or girl. This is called the “gender binary.” But it can take time for a person to figure out and express their own gender identity.

Sex is about body parts and gender is how you’re expected to act because of those parts. Actually, it’s more complicated than that. As kids everywhere blow up the idea of a binary gender, researchers are scrambling to better understand what besides socialization contributes to gender identity, such as genes, hormones, trends, trauma, etc.

Whatever the reasons, it seems clear that the embrace of diverse gender identities by kids today is a sign that our hypergendered world has been a hindrance to youths doing the developmentally important work of figuring out who they are. There’s great freedom and relief in not being required to makes choices about your identity, your likes and dislikes, and your presentation to the world before you really get to experience who you are. For girls, it can be a respite from the sexualized, commercialized, heteroeroticized femininity that provides little appreciation for other ways to be a girl.

Gender Fluidity

These days, our kids increasingly reject the boy-girl binary. Gender instead is seen on a spectrum. The metaphor out there of gender as Rubik's cube is also quite handy. Rather than two-sided (girl-boy) it has six different sides and each side has several rows and columns that can be morphed to create a side with an entirely new appearance. Each square, row, column, and side, with varying colors, is unique.

Gender identity and expression, as well as sexual orientation, often come into full swing in adolescence (though sometimes earlier too).

Gender is personal (how we see/experience ourselves), Sexual orientation is interpersonal (who we are physically, emotionally and/or romantically attracted to). Sometimes sexual orientation is described as who you sleep WITH; gender is who you go to sleep AS. Many people mix these up, but they are very different.

If you're confused, you're not alone. Check out the Gender Diversity page to see through the lens of today's teens.

Gender Rigidity

While the variety and terms associated with gender today may baffle us, many parents are aware of the limits that come with rigid gender expectations and try to practice more gender neutral parenting.

Puberty can heighten rigid gender expectations as parents scramble to manage or prevent sex and all the risks and complications that come with it. But it's enforced gender norms that put girls more at-risk, not less. Girls are instructed to present in a certain way -- button up, sit with their legs closed, wear make up but not too much etc. All of that has little to do with their safety and instead serves to make them feel vulnerable and increase the gender division of power.

While the focus on girls' sexual vulnerability can make girls feel like walking targets, it can have the effect of making boys feel like predators. In many cultures though being a "sissy" is worse than being a predator. In other words, domination is upheld as a healthy masculine trait giving boys get very mixed messages about gender expression.