Boundaries and Consent

Boundaries

We must explicitly teach our teenage daughters and sons these three basics:

  • 1

    Establish if your partner is able to consent

    i.e., conscious, not too intoxicated (more on that later), no mental or physical disability that prevents consent

  • 2

    Ask your partner

    “Do you consent?”, “Is this okay?”, and “Can I do this?” are three great examples of asking for consent. Do not pass go, do not collect pleasure until you get a solid, “yes!”

  • 3

    Maintain consent

    Consent isn’t one-and-done. A yes at the beginning of the night is not a yes at the end of the night. Check in with your partner periodically to make sure they’re still consenting. Ask them, “Is this okay?”, “Are you having fun?”, or “Do you want to keep going?” sexual consent has to be enthusiastic, ongoing and specific.

Teaching consent must start young

Teaching consent must start young, even before kids are ready to discuss sexual health. Thankfully, kids provide plenty of teachable moments.

Check out this article It’s not just about sex: How to talk to young kids about consent, and why it matters in the Washington Post by Amber Leventry. There are lots of clever examples of how parents can model informed consent and asking before taking.

I particularly love this example of the author gently seizing a moment with their kids to teach a lesson in consent:

I was in the kitchen one evening and could hear my kids trading Pokémon cards. My 9-year-old daughter asked her 6-year-old brother if he would give up one of his cards for one she was offering. He hesitated and told her he wasn’t sure. She tried again. He considered but was reluctant. She tried to negotiate. He said no. She continued to offer him cards he might like, but he clearly didn’t want to trade. She was badgering him. I knew it was making him uncomfortable because he wanted to please her, but he didn’t want to say yes; he was saying no but, in my daughter’s opinion, not enthusiastically enough.

The situation was making me uncomfortable, too, so I stepped in. I praised my son for using his voice to communicate what he didn’t want. I told my daughter that she needed to walk away from the situation. He was telling her and showing her that he didn’t want to trade. I explained that her desires should never be forced onto someone else.

I reminded my daughter of the phrase “You asked, I/she/he/they answered.” This is meant to eliminate nagging when my kids want me to change my mind, and it helps me teach them that they can’t always get what they want. The phrase is a lesson in consent. “You asked for the card, he said no.”